Paranormal Activity: Worst phenomenon since Crocs?

Currently sweeping the nation is Paranormal Activity, the scariest phenomenon in years. And I mean it's scary because people have been swept up by it, not that the film itself is actually scary. Sometimes micro-budget movies are truly fun and innovative (think about how hard you laughed watching Clerks for the first time), but sometimes they backfire. So is the case with Paranormal Activity.

Firstly, isn't that title a doozy? Sadly, it represents the rest of the movie. Boring and unimaginative. Doors creaking back and forth while the (annoying) couple sleeps is not scary. A woman standing by her bed for a few hours on end isn't scary. Essentially what I am trying to say is this: nothing happening? Not really scary.

I left the theatre after this film sorely dissapointed. I wasn't entertained by the very full 'plot'. I wasn't scared by the door's ability to move several inches or the character Micah's ability to be a complete douche. I wasn't in any way enlightened by what I saw. So basically, the movie served absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

Maybe I'm jaded because I am such a fan of the horror genre, but this movie is not innovative. It's a no-budget rip-off of better movies. My advice? Rent Poltergeist. Hell, get if for free from your local library. It's better than this drivel.

Jennifer's Body: Oh, the horror!

I saw Jennifer’s Body back when it came out back in September, in a theatre all by myself after school one day. That kinda says everything about the film’s performance, that a teenage boy was the only one in a theatre built to house 150+ moviegoers.
I really didn’t know what to think of the damn movie, either. I still don’t, to an extent, which is why I’m chatting it up. So, since I'm so divisively split as to whether or not I actually LIKED the movie, I figure I'll go through it performance review-style. I'll say something positive, then say something negative and eventually I will find something solid to draw on.

• Good: Megan Fox. Yes, I know, you're grumbling right now about how she is such a whore because all a sudden it's cool to hate Megan Fox. But really, is there anyone better to play a demonic cheerleader? Can you think of anyone?
  
  *Crickets sounding*
  
  I didn't think so.
  

• The bad: Adam Brody and his fucking band! This is more a fault of Diablo Cody's writing than it is a fault of his/their performances. We know Adam Brody is a capable actor, but his character of Nikolai and the whole concept of his band could have been soooo much cooler. If you haven't seen the movie (firstly, why are you reading this?), the band, dubbed Low Shoulder, attempt to a sacrifice a virgin (Jennifer, as if) to the Devil to gain his favor and thus success in the music business. You heard that right. What WOULD have been interesting would have been for Cody to play off the old-fashioned paranoid ideal that rock music is the Devil's plaything, and wouldn't it have been so much creepier if, instead of being some stupid emo band, Low Shoulder were a bunch of evil fucks who sacrificed her to the Devil because they wanted to?
• Good: The horror. When the movie went into horror mode, I actually enjoyed it. For example, the scene where Jennifer finds her way home after becoming possessed and stares at Needy with that really screwed up smile, that scared the hell out of me. When Jennifer goes nuts and rips up some douchebag teenagers, I was a happy man. Good effects, in general, and some fun stuff.
• Bad: The rest. Watching the cast talk about who they're taking to that upcoming dance was unbearable. I came for a movie about a demon cheerleader, and that was an unfortunately small part of the movie.
• Good: The Amanda Seyfried/Megan Fox makeout scene (and not for the reason you think). To watch that scene and see how truly obsessed the Needy character is with Jennifer is fascinating. It wasn't just unnecessary sex thrown in for the advertising campaign (though I'm sure it helped). It was a really intriguing moment in the film where you see how desperate the Needy character is to have her friend back, and in general.
• Bad: The sex scene between Needy and her boyfriend. Could have been sweet, really, but 1) she had to start hallucinating for no real purpose to the story and 2) the one moment where her boyfriend, Chip, asks "Am I too big?" when she starts screaming in terror. Really? I know chicks probably dug that joke, but that is nearly as unnecessary as would have been a fart joke in that same moment. In a movie where the female characters are demonic/moronic/obsessed, is it really necessary to mock the men? And for the record, I hate men. We're bastard pigs, but still, look who's talking. That's all I'm saying.

I could get more in depth, but I doubt anyone will read this as it is. I think the movie gains a little credit once one realizes it isn't about Jennifer. Really, it isn't. It's about Needy and how she has just lost her best friend in the world and her attempts to get her back. THAT is interesting, in a way, but Jennifer's demonic aspirations, which are allegedly the center of the story, fall flat.